Feels like its been raining for a long time now.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Why does it feel like its been raining forever?
Feels like I've been trying everything to only barely grasp this situation or whatever this is called.
Fixated?
Perhaps.
Genuinely it feels like I've exhausted all my options.
So weary of the sunshine attitude.
So much easier to run back into the dark.
Evasion? Perhaps so.
Aren't we all?
Only difference between everybody else and I is that I admit this openly.
So tired.
Just one of those days of the weary hearted.
I wana do something mental and lose sight of this temporary madness.
Alas it is always back to real world.
So tired of the facade.
This masquerade dance.
Truly.
Who understands?
Faced with an endless maze with no way out.
Trapped like a mouse.
Where is my sanctuary?
Seem to have lost it.
So tempted to just give in.
I feel so downright bitter.
This stinks.
I just want silence in my head.
Why won't these thoughts leave me be and rest!
Go away!
I don't wana think anymore.
I give up.
I give up.
I give up.
There are stuff that I feel like I wana do, but I just feel like it anymore.
Tearing inside but I'm just numb really.
Don't think it'll let up if I let it start again.
So much work for me to do and I can't focus.
I am so letting my boss down and I think I'm a jerk for letting all these affect me.
Where is the reset button when you really need it?
Like delete and clear all that has happened.
Would I have chosen a different path then?
I'm not even sure if what I'm feeling right now is regrets.
Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
I don't know anymore.
Things were so much simpler.
It could still be or could have been had I let it continue the way it did.
But no I wouldn't be happy in the end.
There's so many voices in my head and outside too.
Its all mixing together and forming a very masssive grey area that makes it even harder for me to discern the truth and what's not.
Some days I feel like walking out the door.
Yet something is holding me back with a tight grip.
Absolutely clueless as to what that is.
Maybe I need a shrink.
Or just drown in this.
So tempted to just give in and give up.
Its like a constant fight to put up this front that I just only realise that I've been putting up.
♥ You make me smile.
* * * * * * *
♥ You make me smile.
* * * * * * *
Instead of the conventional praying, I am resorting to writing today.
Today is pretty much fucked up and I felt better off dead.
Everything feels like its coming apart and there was nowhere for me to scream to my heart's content.
All I can do is just keep it in, piling it up.
Right now, it is still containable, but I feel if something comes up I will really lose my mind and just kill my workdesk or something.
Sometimes it is ever so tempting to just slit my wrist and watch each drop of life slip away. But that's being a tad too morbid although it has come across my mind.
Life is shitty, so is taking a leap of faith.
Where is the reset button when you need it?
But as my motto of the day indicates, I say "C'est La Fucking Vie" and cheers to that.
I used to think I had shitty boyfriends and it would seem good fortune has befallen on me with this one.
Sadly, I am sad to say I stand corrected.
The current one, as perfect as I first pictured him to be, the pieces of this seemingly immaculate dream is crumbling.
I used to be so full of anger, so angry with everything, with him.
Now I just give up.
I give up on being angry, I give up on my wants/expectations.
I give up on life.
I just simply give up.
What is the point really?
I am so tired of being alive.
It feels like these days there's more sad than there are good.
Yes, I don't get angry anymore.
My attempt to curb my temper is somewhat of a success.
Of course, that is just naivete speaking.
Instead, I think I am involuntarily succumbing to mental destruction.
It feels like I'd rather have a mental breakdown and cry like a bitch as compared to a raving mad woman.
Do I regret breaking up with my ex?
As good as he is to me, I feel I don't need another father figure to dictate my life for me.
At the same time, I don't need another baby for me to take care of.
Life is so vexing sometimes and seek as I may, the opinions of others does offer little help.
I am at my wits end, or should I say I am completely truly and utterly lost.
Not even at the cross-roads.
At least at the cross-road, I still have 3 options.
Right now I feel like I'm staring at a pit of no return.
Decadent?
Maybe.
But who cares.
This is my shit.
And no-fucking-body can bitch/quarrel/comment on me blog.
Sigh.
I reckon there is no perfect someone.
Prince charmings are for pussies and I sir, am no pussie.
As much as I hate it, I've got a rather obstinate personality.
Love it or hate it.
For most, hate it i reckon.
But who gives a shit.
I don't.
"Shit happens". *cough*fuckingbull*cough*
That's just inability to be original and span something new out from the brainwaves.
Even my fart sounds more original than that crap.
Am I angry still?
Not really I think.
I am just very very irritated with annoying little bugs like them.
Getting a little sick of the positivity and slight ignorance.
Starting to feel fakey.
Anyways, back to point.
Where is the fucking boyfriend when you need him?
Yeap.
Apparently mine is here to ditch me so that he can go diving and whatever oo la la with that young caucasian instructor. (:
That or to go snorkeling alone and weak attempt to evade responsibilty by looking for me under the fucking sea.
Hmm.
Or give me a fucking black face when its my activity time.
Sure.
Go watch the stripey ladies.
I'll just go find some hot hunk to flirt with.
Sometimes I think the reason why I have all these wretched allergies is cuz God knows that I will get wasted on a almost daily basis if there was no restriction.
And therefore I sought a lame alternative, shisha.
Yes, freaking lame and cancerous but I wanted to divide my attention between dying from cancer and my current problems.
What problems I say?
Lots! ^^
So much that I feel like just giving up everyday.
Everything just aren't going my way and I feel like fuck.
I am sick of being the babysitter.
When is it my turn to be cuddled!
I honestly think maybe its time for me to consider lesbians instead.
One cuz women are naturally more thoughtful than countless D-bags.
Two I can relieved from all the incessant quarrels.
Three I will be more appreciated.
Hmm.
Which reminds me since I seem to be listing down the plus points of flipping the bio switch.
I am supposed to do a list.
Which I will do tomorrow cuz I'm not done bitching here. :D
Yeap, I am definitely losing my sanity cuz I am totally talking to myself here.
Sigh, the temptations to just cut myself..
Now I resort to just finding a corner and mope till I let the tears fall out and till it stops when my heart doesn't feel as heavy.
Everything feels so impossible.
That I just wana throw everything away.
Boyfriend, work, school, family, whatever else I have included.
I just give up really.
What can I say?
It is so tiring to hang on to so many things and coping.
Nobody truly understands what I'm feeling.
I don't need the fake sympathies.
On a side note, real tears rolling off my cheeks and that person sitting right beside me does not notice?
Sigh.
Its like mission impossible with this one.
What should I do?
Decisions decisions.
At least I ain't fickle-minded when it comes to these matters.
Not really.
I am a "firm woman".
Such a bullcrap that I wana thrash my laptop to even see that.
Everyone to themselves right?
Hardly think outside of the self-centeredness.
Bubble wrapped in the happiness of close attention.
On the downside, it makes one downright ...............
Life is as such.
C'est la fucking vie I say! (:
toodles~!
♥ You make me smile.
* * * * * * *
Like a skyscraper.
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
Today, today, today is like the mini backlash version of what occurred just two months ago. Monstrous month in fact.
Haven't been updating my blog since I was last with Kevin.
Physically, I'm drained but sleep continues to evade me.
Its 3.00 am and I continue to toss restlessly in bed.
The temptation to give in to just let my hair down and scream away helplessly has been quite a struggle since it was light till now.
I need to talk to someone, but who has answers to my questions?
I know God has.
Sigh.
I don't understand what is going on and I'm starring at the seemingly mess I made of my life.
A far cry from what was once, what transpired these past months.
How low I've stooped.
Tickled sniggers in the shadows.
I didn't know what it really means to have that heart-wrenching feeling.
Now I do, first-hand.
Sigh sometimes I wish my parents would spoil me like so many rich kids I've seen.
To not have to worry about school fees, to be able to go abroad to study.
What I have today, I had to work for it.
Working through part-time jobs to earn my own allowances, slogging my ass off at EY while putting myself through school and that is so even right now.
It's not that I really want to be a spoilt rich kid, but it'd be nice to not think about financials and just go study abroad with everything taken care of.
Its not like my parents aren't well-to-do.
Sometimes I guess I just wished I had gone down a different path and not be where I am today.
Its so easy for her, for you to tralala cuz you didn't have to go through what I did.
Utterly under-appreciated.
I give up.
I give up wanting anything.
Wants seems to be insatiable or simply just too unattainable at this point of time.
Yet my wants are neither many nor impossible.
My wants are very basic.
But even in that, there are struggles.
I envy people who have rich parents and have nothing to fret.
Just go and do away with the hardships.
Life is unfair?
That doesn't even sum up to it.
Being positive is equivalent to being mentally drained on my bad days.
The upkeep of the sunshine attitude just burns on days such as this.
Even now I can still feel like sobbing away.
I am only but a girl.
So many decisions for me to make at work.
So many depending on me.
Work is just as stressful, or should I say in fact more than some, but I am coping with it with much less complaints.
Not really comprehending how is it it cannot be handled.
Sigh.
I just wish to be that little girl and have her man be all masculine and all (on most matters) once I'm off work.
Now, the issue here is not about whether or not you are leaving here or not.
Being away hasn't been much of a problem for me.
But.
The words that you uttered, it still haunts me.
"I know myself well that I cannot do long distance relationship. Don't worry, I won't cheat on you. I will let you know if there is someone else."
How is anyone supposed to react to that?
Plus the uncertainty of you not being able to decide if you are that committed to this relationship?
"I'm still young."
That's your excuse.
Really.
I asked once before if you are definitely certain about this.
"Yes. I am very certain. Don't ask me anymore. I know what I want."
There.
I took that leap of faith.
Now, you're tearing me down like I'm made of paper.
Now, you're telling me you want to do long distance relationship.
Someone, anyone, God (?), please tell me what to do.
I don't want to keep second-guessing myself.
I need answers.
Yes.
I am heart-broken.
♥ You make me smile.
* * * * * * *
My very own superhero, how idyllic. (:
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Haha my very own brand of superhero, my boyfriend.
Haha in all technical terms, he wasn't the one who saved the day, but he sure whisked me off with his charming decisive concern!
So I was on the MTR train, on my way to meeting my beau and his colleagues for a supposed fun night out when I realised that this douchebag of an a-hole seemed kinda wrong.
Wrong in the manner like he was trying to take indecent pictures of me (was in my mini skirt).
It got me all peeved up and I deliberately MARCHED OVER and stood right beside him, (all intentions intended) GLARING.
That dimwit tried to appear suave and like nothing was wrong, so it got me peeved to a whole new level and I confronted him under the public eye!
Me: "Hey!I think you're taking pictures of me. SHOW ME YOUR CELLPHONE."
Dimwit: *Mutters something dimwitted. Duh.* [And starts scrambling for his cellphone and ran a couple of photos by me.]
Me: "Okay."
So I sat down a seat away from dimwit and started wondering why he didn't show me the pictures on his SD card. Got me all worried that he might have some discriminating photos, so I marched over with my demands again.
This time, he managed to squeeze a couple of words outta his mouth and said that he had to alight at the next stop and I will have to follow suit if I were to inspect his cellphone.
I agreed and he promptly handed his cellphone to me like a good student. (haha)
That was when I SAW A VIDEO OF HIM ATTEMPTING TO RECORD A GIRL'S UNDIES ON AN ESCALATOR AT SOME TRAIN STATION.
Me: "OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. YOU ARE DISGUSTING!"
Me (again): "WHAT THE HELL!?!YOU ACTUALLY TOOK PICTURES OF ME?!?!"
I got me even more angsty at the thought of him smirking away, thinking that he got away by scamming me with some random pictures and not showing me those on his bloody SD card.
[Apparently, Dimwit here is aptly given cuz for one, he is a retard for giving me his cellphone since he could have refused on rights of personal property or just hit me and run, two....wait I can't think of anything else besides being a retardy.]
So yes, with that, he unleashed the queen of bitches, I started yelling at him (despite his feeble attempts to persuade me to let him go) and started for the station master.
Called Kevin while I was trying to locate the control station since I've never alighted at this stop before and that big, tall burly guy was starting to scare me (like he might grab me somewhere and beat me up) but I kept up a bravefront and munched on my "YOU JUST MESSED WITH THE WRONG GIRL".
I was starting to get a little desperate for people since there appeared to be no one else besides us till I reached the second level and thank god (!).
Called out to some passers-by and finally a really nice lady told me how to get to the control station.
(Foot note: Dimwit told me to follow him, that he was directing me to it but I wasn't born yesterday to not know that it might be a trick. Even though it did turn out to be true.)
I asked Kevin to speak to the station master and call the cops for me.
The station personnels impressed me with their politeness and immediate response. Like wow, in a couple of minutes after Kevin spoke to the master, 3 personnels came and escorted dimwit to the control station.
(This was while I was publicly screaming, full throttle, at the top of my lungs at dimwit, shaming him till kingdom come.)
So the police came and my very own superhero (Kevin) arrived in like 10-15 mins after.
I was so touched by the fact that he immediately dropped whatever he was doing (my silly monkey was still busying @ work) and cabbed over just to be with me.
(*o*)
I kinda expected him to wait for me at Mongkok, (where we were supposed to meet up) instead he dashed right over!
Awww, my very own brand of superhero. (:
And he was so charming, the way he spoke to the police officers on my behalf (I neither comprehend nor converse in cantonese) and took care of the everything he could for me.
I felt really guilty for making him late for his appointment with his friends, but he didn't mind of course.
Sigh~
This is just one of the many times of when he sweeps me off my feet.
I feel loved everyday, even on my pmsing days cuz he always concedes to my every request without so much of an argument and with such love!
I've asked him before how he could ever stand my pmsing moments.
He simply replied, "Cuz I love you". (or like, whichever is still good)
(*O*)
How it is possible that we are together still astounds me, while his affections never fails to surprise me! (:
Ps: He spoils me silly and I'm lovin' every bit of it! (;
♥ You make me smile.
* * * * * * *
Speechless beyond words.
Friday, November 13, 2009
So here I go again.
Angry, hurt and..hurt.
Arranging MY OWN farewell dinner is already sad enough, when it should have been someone else arranging it for me.
I mean who in the world does that for themselves??
Probably me??Since I seem to be bloody thick-skinned about it.
It is even more upsetting when not even my closest friends are bothered to do so.
Never mind.
I'm cancelling it altogether.
It'll just amplify the embarrassment for me to keep changing MY FAREWELL DINNER so that everyone can come.
Why do it when maybe there are those who just don't wana come?
Great, I am feeling ridiculously stupid being upset over this.
And even better, one of the many reasons was that she had to go gym.
I rest my case.
This already is pathetic enough.
♥ You make me smile.
* * * * * * *
Change of scene underway.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
So I've finally submitted my resignation, much to my long-desired relief.
NO more late nights, sleep deficiencies, social alienation and most of all, no more facing HER!
God I am so happy!
Wait happy doesn't even cover it.
Its happiness that is even uncomparable to a kid placed in candyland.
Utter release.
I have waited a really really long time to do this, say 3.5 years ago, but my pride refused to budge even though under such dire circumstances.
I nearly crumbled at almost every turning point of my life, but I resiliently held on and braved the storms of wretchedhood and solemn curses.
There you have it, my life story.
Haha.
So my current plans are to slump in Hong Kong for awhile.
Of course mom and dad would go mental and start throwing threats (like get outta my house) my way.
Undoubtedly.
I haven't quite thought of how to deal with it yet.
Am still procrastinating on breaking this piece of news to them.
Not really in the mood to take their ridiculous hurlings.
These days, I just hide in my room when I return home and watch endless english series (courtesy of Mark, a goofy and awesomely nice colleague).
Though english series seems to be getting rather stale these days.
That or I just am sick of watching shows and doing nothing else.
Aside from work and the occassional gym (when I am able to, no thanks to HER).
Ahhh I caught the cold from my client yesterday and my nose was like a running tap.
Thus, I am on medical leave today and resting at home..
Had pancakes and ice cream for dinner..That's "definitely" going to make me better.
Haha!
Feeling drowsy already~
Bouncing off~
♥ You make me smile.
* * * * * * *
Random rants.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Yes!!!I am finally on leave!
Haha!
So so so happy that its FINALLY HERE!!
Goddd I've been wanting to do this for the longest time, while I sit in green envy, watching all's graduation!
Inexplicable bliss!
Can't wait can't wait can't wait!
(:
__________________________________________________
Side note, I feel like there are so much to rant about but words just seem to fleet away when I try to pen it down.
Transient thoughts.
In the dead of the night, I lie here in bed thinking of what will unfold ahead.
I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't shit scared for taking this big stride.
I need to get out of this "comfort" zone.
Time to do something radical instead of being a stickler for this monotonity.
Life is what I make of it!
Post note: Hope all goes well for your scan tomorrow baby. (: (:
[Though I'd appreciate it if you didn't get all angsty and bitch at me whenever I have family arguments.
It seriously doesn't help at all when you scold me while dishing "advises" to me and I honestly hate it when you do that.
Just cuz its something that you wrongfully committed in the past, does not mean that I'll follow your footsteps. And it is just equally wrong to assume. I treat my mom as good (if not better) than I treat Kevin's mom. Well at the very least, Kevin's mom listens to what I say.
In any case, please don't bother giving advises when you're in one of your moods cuz you're just testing my patience. Just cuz I keep silent about it doesn't mean I am alright with this.
I kept quiet cuz I know that if we quarrelled there and then, it'd be the end of our friendship. Thus, please take this into consideration and inform me to steer away from you (just as I do) when you are in your moods.]
__________________________________________________
To-do list
1. Study my ass off and clear all my papers by next year end (LATEST)
2. Do something about managing my anger issues
3. Be more forgiving towards (fuckers) others (something that I still am struggling to do)
♥ You make me smile.
* * * * * * *
Release at last.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
The final release..
Yes, the much anticipated, much talked about (by me haha) is in its finale revelations!
I feel so much light hearted these days, no longer bogged down by unhappy pests.
As I always say, "Life is as such" and so it is.
It is what it is and what you will make of it.
To rant about it, to crumble because of what it has delt you with, to live another day, to rejoice on what God has handed you (yes yes I am not a very godly person, but that doesn't mean I am any less of a believer than any of the proclaimed christians).
I....am finally at peace.
Mutual understanding.
What life has ahead of me I do not know, but I do know one thing.
That is, I've been delt with the worst (thus far) unimaginable misery for the past 4 years of my life and yet I live.
That definitely counts as a something in my books.
No doubt, I was near my breaking point at every turn, but God has (always) placed friends around me, comforting me when I nearly caved.
For that, I am thankful.
I guess, the most thanks I have to give is to Lena, for her utmost support and incredible tolerance that she's have had with me.
Haha..I missed our beginnings together and I had wished for us to grow on further..together.
I do hope that our journey does not end here, for it would be like a sad story, an unhappy ending.
I wish the best for all my dearest friends, that you will still excel in what you do, wherever you may be.
(:
♥ You make me smile.
* * * * * * *